Underactive Thyroid and Emotions

Who said, living with an under active thyroid was easy? Certainly not me and after checking on the internet I found many people are affected in different ways. They are affected by different emotions and sometimes those emotions do have devastating affects.

From the birth of my first child I noticed changes in me as a being that could have and were thought of as the consequences of trauma.

I certainly was traumatized after the birth of my son as he was taken from me and placed in the hands of the adoption agency… or at that time it was the Seventh Day Adventist Church.

A family was found for my son but for years the loss of my child played heavily on my mind. I was and occasionally still an emotional mess, but differentiating between those emotions and the emotions that play on one when you suffer from an under active thyroid are incredible and for some those differences are hard to distinguish.

I really was an emotional mess and for some they believed that I should forgive and forget… which of course is easier said than done…

From the birth of my first son, the trauma and the fact that I had had to hide what happened to me and yet I still remained with the father of my first son.

Sometime during that time and the birth of my second son my life changed physically and emotionally not for the better but for the worse.

My weight ballooned to a huge 135 kilos, I was depressed, cried all the time, had no energy and I felt like the changes were never ending and I had no idea what was happening to me.

Even now as I write this I look back on my life and wonder how I managed to survive.

Before I met my partner I went from day to day, emotion to emotion, one depressed day after another. My energy was lacking and I was constantly ill.

Many tests later nothing was found and I was labeled a hypochondriac, fat, lazy, good for nothing, I was abused physically and mentally, blamed for a miscarriage that was just not my fault… and the list goes on…

I wished life would end for me. In fact I wouldn't be able to talk about my suicide attempt had I not been able to share my story with a good friend and that was only recently. My sad tale was one that he would never read again because the emotions that it brings out are not good at all… they hurt and he could feel my hurt…

Life almost did come to end because I'd had enough. I didn't understand why I was like I was but at the same time I knew I was not worth anything to anyone.

When you lose all your self worth… you loose the will to live.

Of course I could have tried to improve me…

And I did… I tried to lose weight, tried to forget the past and tried to live for the future.

But at that stage there was no future for me… not through my eyes…

Finally I'd had enough and I remember all the details of trying to end my lift, trying to take myself away from the depression, those mixed emotions and everyone telling me to 'grow up' 'there's nothing wrong' 'you're faking it' 'you're a hypochondriac' and the worse one… 'You're nothing'.

I suppose what made it worse when I did try to take my own life, was my ex was in the house at the time and he did nothing to try and stop me.

Suddenly it dawned on my and I realized that if I went it wouldn't be far on my kids. It would hurt them and the people who had been so cruel to me would have won. I tried my hardest to bring myself round, even down to throwing up until I knew there was nothing left inside me…

It took me days to recover but I did and I took on the role of trying so hard to be a good mother and friend to my kids. I spoke to the neighbours and I found that I could enjoy some quality of life with my kids.

Until, the unexpected happened… One of my neighbours had 2 young boys and we would often look after each other's kids, until the husband was caught interfering with my girls. Not only did I blame myself but my ex blamed me too…

Finally to get away from it all my five kids and I moved to Orange where we were befriended by several families with kids. I was constantly on a downer, trying to make ends meet and trying to bring the kids up and give them quality on almost no income.

I remember meeting a really nice guy, he was the brother of a friend and we would often just sit and talk. There was nothing happening between us at all, we were just friends…

My younger son hated me spending time with anyone including him even just the talking was a huge no, no.

I became tired, I was diagnosed as having depression, was given tablets to try and help me through. After two weeks on Valium, I'd had enough…. Prozac was another drug given, but they ended up down the toilet…

I remember sitting on the front steps and rocking… that feeling of wanting to end it all was coming back to haunt me… I had tried so hard to live a life for my kids and yet I was failing miserably.

Let's face it, I was a failure. I wasn't worth anything. I was depressed all the time and my self worth had been completely wiped from my being. Thoughts of suicide, of an overwhelming sense of not wanting to live in this world were often on my mind.

Any 'normal person' and even medical practitioners would class me as being 'a crazy person' a 'hypochondriac' or someone who gets off on not being well.

Trust me those emotions are hard to deal with. When one constantly had those thoughts were made worse by the degrading and the put downs by people that were there to be trusted.

When I moved in with my partner the depression never went away, but I was able to push the thoughts and emotions aside so that I was able to function. I lived for my partner, I suppose in a way I was there for him. He needed someone and I moved in with him, brought him out of a life full of depression and loneliness and together we were there for each other.

But my fight to always lose weight, thoughts of losing my child, depression and the lack of self worth hounded me…

I began that fight to lose weight but it always led to me being unwell. It was almost like I was cursed and had been for many years.

I had my appendix removed…
I bled constantly throughout menstruation before and after…
I had a hysterectomy
I ended up in hospital due to dehydration after trying one of those wonderful diets…

Sure the diet was supposed to be good for some and sure I did lose nine kilos, I began throwing up, I wasn't able to keep anything down and ended up spending four days in hospital to combat the affects of losing lots of fluids.

My weight problem was never a problem for my partner because he said he loved me the way I was, but I hated myself…

In 1998 my partner rushed me to my doctor because I was having heart palpitations. My normal doctor was on holidays so I saw the temp doctor that was on duty… she immediately put me on an ECG machine. Of course the palpitations went away… after talking a little she asked me an interesting question…

"Has anyone ever checked your thyroid?"

In twenty years no one, not one doctor had ever suggested anything like this. They'd never asked and they certainly hadn't tested me for a thyroid problem.

She sat me and my partner down and spoke to us about it. She took a blood sample and began asking many questions.

By the time we walked out of her office, I had a script for Thyroxine in hand and a name of a medical condition along with an appointment to see the leading endocrinologist and the appointment was listed as urgent.

Finally there may have been answers behind my background, my depression, my illness and my being…

The blood test came back as a positive for an under active thyroid… Hashimotos Disease…

My specialist explained everything to me; he upped the medication slowly to ensure the levels were right. Over a six month period my thyroid levels were back to normal and I actually started to feel like a real person. As real as a person could feel…

I was given the ok to lose weight slowly…. I was told not to lose weight too quickly because it would muck all the levels up once again and I certainly didn't want that.

After nine months I had lost 35 kilos and everything was moving along nicely but I had reached a plateau and after some time my doctor wanted me to lose more weight. The lap band option was put to me and of course I took that option. I lost nine kilos very quickly and my horrors began all over again.

My thyroid levels changed and for eighteen months I fought to bring my levels back to normal again. Those demons returned during that time… the depression, the heart palpitations, crying episodes for no reason, mood swings, the tiredness, the low self esteem… and constantly being cold, cold feet, cold hands… almost cold to the bone. I really hated life…

Once life was stable we moved to another state to get warm. A better quality of life and that is where I hoped to be today but…

My thyroid levels are out of whack again, my hair is falling out, my emotions are out of this world, I have strange mood swings, dry skin, cold feet and hands…

Why? Because I lost weight again…

The remedy to date… I guess I should be asking what remedy to date…

I'm taking Evening Primrose Oil to combat the hair loss and help with the depression.

Fortunately I have two men who care about me and do everything they can to help me overcome my emotions and to keep me going day by day.

I believe that finding a doctor that understands all the issues that come with an under active thyroid is beneficial for the well being of their patients.

What a lot of medical practitioners fail to remember is that everyone is an individual and every individual is different… we are not all made to resemble the text books that explain what the affects of an under active thyroid are along with the emotions that go with a person who suffers from an under active thyroid.

Toni